Tuesday, June 19, 2012


On the eve of Fathers day for the first time in eighteen years I woke up with the overwhelming feeling of doom and despair. Naturally I started to cry because it suddenly occurred to me,(and it hit me like a ton of bricks) that the kids were not alright.  I cried for awhile because it was the only way I could rid myself of the feeling that not even an abundance of love, hugs and kisses made up for the feeling of abandonment,  and rejection my children felt because of their absent Father. Their first love. The perfect man in a little girl's mind. The man that could do no wrong. The man that says all the right things.  

For the first time in years I was not looking forward to hearing: 
 "Happy Father's Day" from my family and friends.  Indeed after hearing what my eighteen year old daughter said about how the absence of her father had affected her, I no longer felt I deserve to hear those words which felt more like a slap in the face then a praise for a job well done. Of course it did not escape me that my feelings were hurt mainly because I could not understand that even after all I have done she still felt the way she did. After all, doing the job of two parent was not an easy task. 

Certainly, I could not begin to tell them the truth about their Father. Their precious DADDY! Even now with their eyes wide open they still believe he is innocent until proven guilty. Even now they hesitate to believe that I begged him to spend more time with them and it broke my heart that I could not mend theirs.  Also I fought on their behalf, and wrote many letters to him about what both needed to grow into well adjusted young ladies.  More so, I made many phone calls, left several messages and sent many invitations for him to participate in their up-bringing. Yet, no amount of begging, pleading and explanation that children need love, hugs and kisses from both parents, nor that little girls need their daddy's to teach them how a man should treat them had any impact to him.  

Granted I did not know when he walked out of my life he was also walking out of theirs, however I did all I could within my powers and never meant to cause them no pains. Still no one is more torn up about it than me. 

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