CHILD-FREE

Ode to Mothers

Although you walk the walk and talk the talk, you still want to be drowned in hugs and kisses. Long gone for some of us are the days of changing diapers and silly made up games, but it still feels like it was yesterday. Gone with yesterday are all the first: first word, first step, first time they read a book to you, first time you sang a song together, first time they didn't cry when you left the room. But still it feels…well you know, like yesterday. The happiest vision of true perfection is the smile you get because somehow they know they are the center of your world and the beneficiary of all your love and affection. So to all the mothers, I say, ode to you. Ode to my mother, ode to my sister, ode to my sister-in-law, ode to my aunt, ode to my cousins and ode to all mothers.  

First, let me start by saying: I love my children and I would do anything for them.  Second, since I was blessed with my children my whole life has been devoted to their up-bringing, well-being and happiness. 

Having said that, some time ago I read an article on Huffington Post  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-brenoff/childless-to-my-childless-friends_b_2616049.html   about childless young couples who prefer to call themselves child-free people, because they are delaying having children for as long as possible. The writer wrote: "I have known for a while that the trend among young college-educated couples in the U.S. is to remain just that: a couple. The statistics bear out what I've seen anecdotally. In 2011, the U.S. fertility rate -- the number of children an average woman bears over the course of her life -- was 1.89, according to the latest preliminary figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention".  Similarly,  it is worth mentioning that several months ago I read another article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/20/us-women-in-20s-less-like_n_1610993.html  that talked about how some women in their twenties are less likely to get pregnant or have an abortion because they are using more effective birth control.   I get it!  I understand the need to wait. And to be completely truthful, I am not exactly sure given the chance again if I would have made the same choice nineteen years ago to have children so young. For one thing, I was way too young and had to grow up too fast.  And for another, with just a high school education, I was grossly unprepared.

I say, be your age. Go out whenever you want and have fun. Travel, learn a new language or two. Follow your dreams with vigor, because when you have children there are many things you will not be able to do. Your priorities will change, and partying till three in the morning will be a thing of the past. Instead, you will feel like a zombie at three a.m. in morning trying to put your new bundle of joy to sleep.  At the same time feeling delirious from lack of sleep and thinking this is probably how they torture people for information.  I'll tell you, that's exactly what I was thinking at eighteen after I had my first kid, who is now nineteen. And quite frankly, I can't picture my nineteen year old daughter taking care of a baby. The poor girl is always losing things.    Needless to say, raising children is completely life altering, and challenging.  Sure children are a blessing, but they are also expensive. I once told my sister when she was pregnant with my niece, "enjoy your Prada now because you might need to pawn it for milk and diapers soon." Certainly I get it when someone says, they are waiting to be financially and emotionally ready.The father of my ten month old daughter has this saying, "no one ever told me it was going to be this hard".  And I laugh every time because I am thinking:"you think?!" 

Here's what  I am saying, I understand that motherhood or parenting isn't for everyone and the ones who feels they should wait, should.  Also, it's okay if you don't' want any children because there is no law (thank God) that says you have to have them.  I don't think that is selfish at all.  It's a tough job and I salute anyone who take on that endeavor.  I believe it's best for everyone when you know whether or not you can handle the responsibilities that comes with having children.   

Though, I didn't do it alone (it really takes a village), and  honestly I don't know how my daughters and I made it.   Along the way there's been some mishaps and mistakes, some tears and more fighting than I care to mention. Nevertheless, because of my children I have grown into the woman I was meant to be. Even better,  I have developed a six sense. And if you are a mother you know exactly what I' am talking about. Meaning you can just sense them. But also, you know when mothers say they love all their children equally, well that's a lie. Sorry moms. Personally, I have two teenagers and depending on the day I love one more than the other. And that's okay, because teenagers are fickle, one day they love you and the next day you are enemy number one. 

On the whole, I believe it should be perfectly acceptable to delay the decision to have children. In other words, to be child_free. Not just because my personal experience dictates my feelings but  also children are a blessing and a joy and should be wanted. 

SINGLE PARENT-HOUSEHOLD: A cautionary tale?

It has been said  over and over again whether from the media or from someone I know that there are major consequences when a child or children are raised by a single parent. I agree, but there are also good and bad consequences in every circumstances or situations.  What I don't agree on is the idea that gun violence is one of the by-product of being raised in a single parent-household. For example back in October during the second primary Presidential debate between President Obama and Governor Romney,  the question of gun violence and what should be done about it was raised by an audience member.  Romney answer was: ( and I am paraphrasing) parents need to talk to their children about getting married first before considering having children.  In other words he is insinuating that there is a direct correlation between gun violence and single parent-household. (Tracing the Link Between Single Moms and Gun Violence - TIME.com)    Needless to say being a single mother myself I was appalled.   Indeed, it's understandable that he would say that considering he has been married to the same woman for years and has five children with her. And considering what just happened in Newtown, Connecticut on Friday Dec 14 where twenty innocent children and six adults were killed by a young man (Tragedy In Connecticut: 20 Children, 6 Adults Killed At Elementary School) who was raised by a single mother, I can see how someone could make the connection that that played a role in this awful tragedy.  Having said that, I am a logical person, so I  get it! But it should also be considered that not every relationship or marriage that produce children ends happily ever after, for better or worse and in sickness and health.  Some relationships or marriages end because of irreconcilable differences or worse because of abuse. I feel instead of making uninformed assumptions about people's lives, we should have all the facts.   

The heart of the matter is, what no one could have foreseen or imagined including the mother who [the son] also shot in the head and lost her life was that her precious son was going to kill innocent children and others.  Despite the fact that the media is reporting  she [mother] was a gun enthusiast, and maybe should have seen the signs that her son mental state was deteriorating, nevertheless I believe other factors may have played a major role in what happened.  For example, the National Rifle Association Executive Vice President, Wayne LaPierre gave a news conference reported by Media Matters for America where he called "for armed police officers at all schools and blaming violent video games for mass shootings, rather than the ability of those shooters to obtain a firearm".  The NRA's Question-Free Press Conference And The Media's Responsibility. Naturally as a single mom who raised two teenage daughters on my own I am inclined to partially agree with him.  After all, if being raised by single parent was the reason  for such senseless violence then we would not have so many mass shootings this year alone connected to mental desease exasperated by violence portrayed in the movies, violent video games and children bullied in schools. Furthermore, it was reported the killer or killers( Wendy Fontaine: Why Mitt Can't Blame Us Single Parents for Gun …) in two of this year mass shootings were in fact raised by two-parents.    I say partially, because yes violent video games played a role and yes I personally believe we should have armed off duty police officers or security guards at schools guarding our children, but I also believe there are other aspects that  played a role in so many of those mass shootings.  One being the accessibility to getting a gun in this country.  In fact studies have shown that it's even more accessible to juveniles (Accessibility of Firearms and the Use of Firearms By or Against …).  

In my opinion, unless you live in a neighborhood where gun violence is rampant and it is an everyday occurrence there should be no reason for anyone (civilian) unless you are a police officer or a military professional to own a gun. 

PRICE CHECK, PLEASE!

Recently Huffington Post reported that a recent Government report release show women in their twenties are delaying the decision to have babies and using more effective birth control. Also there are several reports that shows the cost of raising a child is ginormous. It's no wonder! Needless to say, kids can be costly. Now adays, kids are staying home well past the age of eighteen when they are expected to go off to College or live on they own. Of course speaking from experience I don't even bother asking my eighteen year old daughter when she "thinks" she might go off on her own and take life by the balls. Taking college out of the equation I expect to have her around for maybe another eighteen years,(kidding!) mainly on my dime.  

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind having my eighteen year old daughter around for a few more years, but at this stage in the game I wanted to be able to have some left over cash in my checking account.  Instead, not only am I paying for food and shelter, I am also paying for her clothes, her pedicures and manicures, because she wants to look "cute"(as if I don't!). Also her traveling expenses, to and from hanging-out with her friends. SMH! You think I would learn, but no! I am really a glut for punishment because now I am on kid #3.  And after learning the cost of raising my two month old baby girl will go up by a little over three percent compare to previous cost of raising a child, I am really looking forward to those tax cuts for the next sixteen years!

Article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/20/us-women-in-20s-less-like_n_1610993.html

Message from sender:

The cost of raising kids, in two charts 

By Suzy Khimm

Now there’s an official price tag for parenthood: The U.S. Department of Agriculture has calculated that it costs $234,900 on average to raise a child, not including college costs. That’s about 23 percent more than it cost to raise kids in 1960. Source: USDA

Carl Bialik

topics.wsj.com

profile from the Wall Street Journal. News, articles, biography and photos.

THE KIDS ARE NOT ALRIGHT

On the eve of Fathers day for the first time in eighteen years I woke up with the overwhelming feeling of doom and despair. Naturally I started to cry because it suddenly occurred to me,(and it hit me like a ton of bricks) that the kids were not alright.  I cried for awhile because it was the only way I could rid myself of the feeling that not even an abundance of love, hugs and kisses made up for the feeling of abandonment,  and rejection my children felt because of their absent Father. Their first love. The perfect man in a little girl's mind. The man that could do no wrong. The man that says all the right things.  

For the first time in years I was not looking forward to hearing:  "Happy Father's Day" from my family and friends.  Indeed after hearing what my eighteen year old daughter said about how the absence of her father had affected her, I no longer felt I deserve to hear those words which felt more like a slap in the face then a praise for a job well done. Of course it did not escape me that my feelings were hurt mainly because I could not understand that even after all I have done she still felt the way she did. After all, doing the job of two parent was not an easy task. 

Certainly, I could not begin to tell them the truth about their Father. Their precious DADDY! Even now with their eyes wide open they still believe he is innocent until proven guilty. Even now they hesitate to believe that I begged him to spend more time with them and it broke my heart that I could not mend theirs.  Also I fought on their behalf, and wrote many letters to him about what both needed to grow into well adjusted young ladies.  More so, I made many phone calls, left several messages and sent many invitations for him to participate in their up-bringing. Yet, no amount of begging, pleading and explanation that children need love, hugs and kisses from both parents, nor that little girls need their daddy's to teach them how a man should treat them had any impact to him.  

Granted I did not know when he walked out of my life he was also walking out of theirs, however I did all I could within my powers and never meant to cause them no pains. Still no one is more torn up about it than me. 

THE DREADED PHONE CALL

I am literally dreading the phone call I have to make today to my case worker to inquire on my case status regarding my medicaid application.  It's a long story, so here's the short version. I am currently unemployed, and in need of medical assistance for my children. As such until I get back to work I have no choice but to get health insurance through government assistance. Apparently among other things, children need health care to grow.  The thing about that is, it's kind of humiliating. I equate it to begging.  In fact, just the way my case worker answers her phone scares me. "May I help you?" Sounds professional enough, but it's really not.

There are many things I find humiliating. For example, letting out a fart you thought was silent, but turns out to be loud and obnoxious. Worse, it came out with you know what. Another is running to catch a bus and you collide with a perfect stranger, which leaves you confused and disoriented.  Finally, waving HI to someone whom you thought was waving at you only to receive the "stank eye" in return for your naivete .  Yet none of the ones I listed compares to going down to the Social Service office, and airing out all of my dirty laundry(as I like to call it)just to get some assistance.  And of course the questions they ask is so intrusive it feels like getting a PAP smear test, accept not by a doctor.  Also to enhanced your chances, don't even tell them you don't know where the Father lives because you will get the look (I imagine) a pimp gives his "ho" when he is about to slap her for letting a "john" go.   

I believe(and I stand corrected)that those people who are really called Civil Servants and not Social Workers, are not human. And if they were they lost their humanity long ago after being on the job for too long. Indeed they have become desensitized  and disconnected to basic human needs and as such I (you) become just a number to them. Certainly I am thinking if I find myself in the position of needing government assistance I am owed at the very least some human compassion. I feel.  After all, giving assistance to someone in need should be a charitable deed, not a personal burden.  Granted they are people who abuse the system, and believe me I understand the need to make this process as uncomfortable and painful as possible for those with the mind to abuse it, but I am one person and I deserve not to be treated unkindly because of a few. 

Rant. Done! 

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

No one said that having children and raising them was going to be easy, but no one said it was going to be this hella hard either!  Especially when you find yourself doing the job all by yourself.  So naturally, years ago when I found myself doing the job of two people all by myself,(no offense to my village family) I was a little resentful.  As much as I hate the term "baby mamma" and try to deny it, I am by definition a "baby mamma."  I define "baby mamma" as someone who had or have a baby for a man they are not marry to or in a committed relationship with. But don't take my word for it,  ask around and see what you find out.

My first baby daddy whom I was married to briefly turned out to be crazy,(details for a later date) so I had to leave him.  Naturally during the course of our relationship we decided together that we wanted children, but as soon as the divorce papers were signed he started playing hide-and-seek until eventually he ceased to exist.  Although, my current situation is a hell of a lot different then my previous situation, I still consider myself to be a "baby mamma" because we are not married nor do we live together. And honestly I don't see marriage in our future anytime soon.  But that's not to say marriage is not in the cards. 

Fortunately two of my kids are now teenagers and can pretty much take care of themselves.  Certainly after many years of letting my eggs go to waste I pretty much gave up on the idea of ever having another baby. Until, yes, one day I met a nice man who had a nice smile and smelled good. Well, you know the rest. Needless to say, as if the first time was easy breezy I now have a new baby and starting all over again.

Of course as usual the week flew by quickly and in between changing diapers, three AM feedings and wiping throw up off my clothes I managed to catch up with friends and family. I had a good laugh with my friend T, (not a baby mamma) who went off and gave me an ear full for sending her yet another piece on being "Single." She reminded me not so eloquently (I might add) that there are more important things around the world that should be a conversation. But instead we are busy discussing the same issues that are recycled in the media every other month, like being single. In other words, "Who the F#@K cares!" Right? Note to self, don't tell her to watch Miss Advised a new series coming on Bravo this month. 

Then I caught up with my sister D,( a baby mamma)the Teacher and after we talked briefly about my niece Princess (not her real name) she filled me in in a day in the life of a Teacher.  Of course I am always shock and can't never get over the shenanigans that these children are allow to get away with.  Next I spoke with my Mom (married too long) who always starts our conversation with, "I left you a message, why didn't you call me back before I left the house?"  As if she can't talk on her cellphone while walking or shopping or whatever she is doing at the time.  And always our conversation ends with, "please tell one of your ungrateful children to bring back my plastic bowls." Despite that, I realized suddenly that it had been awhile since my Mother and I had a disagreement over my parenting style. Must be age and the fact that I am beginning to have a deeper appreciation for her. KNOCK on woods!

Eventually the weekend came and I find myself stuck on Facebook posting videos of my baby.  Yes, I am starting to be one of those Mothers. And updating my status every chance I get. 

So there you have it, full disclosure, nothing left unsaid. Until next time, you can find me at http://peoplearetalking.webs.com
where I invite you to join in Girl Talk. Or follow me on twitter. 

THIS IS FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE:

DEBATE: Can Women Really Be Happy Single?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/06...

When Tracy McMillan published her blog post "Why You're Not Married" on The Huffington Post in February 2011, she received ample criticism for telling single women that they were flying solo because they were "shallow," "selfish" and "not good enough." Though she couldn't have known it at the time, …